Making More Free Time

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#006633" TEXT="#F7F7FF" bgproperties="fixed" background="079005a0ddvuru.png"> <div> <A HREF="http://www.vernco.com/index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.vernco.com/index.htm"><U><B>home</B></U></A><B>     |     </B><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFCC66" FACE="Arial" ><B>Vern</B><B>co.com</B></FONT></div> <div> back to<B>  </B><A HREF="id427.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Marriage and Jeeps"><U><B>Marriage and Jeeps</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.vernco.com/id173.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.vernco.com/id173.htm"><U><B>Site Map</B></U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=150 BGCOLOR="#669966" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Making More Free Time</B></div> <div> <A HREF="id430.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Buy Stuff Without Getting Caught"><U>Buy Stuff Without Getting Caught</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id431.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="WillysPoints"><U>WillysPoints</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id526.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Defending Your Territory"><U>Defending Your Territory</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id529.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="AfterTheFact Damage Control"><U>After-The-Fact Damage Control</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id538.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Using Surplus Body Parts to your Advanta"><U>Using Surplus Body Parts to your Advantage</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id528.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Things I Understand About Women"><U>Things I Understand About Women</U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> Were you ever in the military?  If so, think back to basic training.  Let's say you were assigned to scrub garbage cans.  If you did a great job, what was your reward?  You received more garbage cans to scrub.  The key to gaining more free time is to project an air of incompetence in all that you do.  Those around you learn if they need something done, it is best to do it themselves.</div> <bR> <div> Now you can't just start acting full-bore stupid, or people will catch on right away.  The key concept, and you may want to write it down, is to make it look like you are trying to be helpful.  </div> <bR> <div> Every married man has a secret fear.  You've seen it happen in too many movies.  The wife lovingly sets her husband down for a little talk.  You know it is bad when her first words are to remind you that she will always love you, but her needs and desires have changed.  Is that a suitcase you see by the door?  Horror upon horrors, it is worse.  It is a box of cleaning supplies.  At least you are pretty sure, as you've never really seen them up close.  You have just been drawn into the "Helping Out More Around the House Syndrome."</div> <bR> <div> Feigning death would come in handy at times like this.  But she will check for a pulse, so you'll never get away with it.  Narcolepsy is helpful, but she will insist you see a doctor.  Blatant resistance is futile, as you will end up sleeping in the garage.  Your ONLY option is to APPEAR helpful.</div> <bR> <div> Don't stand there like a deer in the headlights.  Volunteer quickly, before something gets assigned.  Don't be too eager, or she'll catch on.  The key is for you to take on a task and goof it up royally but make it look like you are trying.</div> <bR> <div> Let's start out easy, and volunteer to do the shopping.  This one is really easy to mess up.  Make sure you first have a long, heartfelt talk about how with your careful shopping, you can have extra money left over to do more things together.  Why, if you could save $10 per week in groceries, in one year that is enough for a romantic weekend getaway at the coast.  She will send you off with a big kiss and a list that drags on the floor.  Make sure you make a few minor mistakes, like purchasing baking soda instead of baking powder, etc.  This will provide cover for the coup d' grace.  Bring home store brand feminine hygiene products.  Cheerfully tell her how they are all the same and that you managed to save tons of money.  You will never have to go shopping again.</div> <bR> <div> If and when that one blows over, apply a similar concept to cooking.  Remember, don't wait to be told to cook dinner.  Do it out of the kindness of your heart, or at least make it look that way.  But what to make for dinner?  Think back to your bachelor days.  Go with a rotating schedule of Kraft Dinner, Fish Sticks with Tater Tots, and Tube Steaks.  Whistle cheerfully in the kitchen.  Put a parsley garnish with the Fish Sticks.  Fruit cocktail for dessert every day!  By the end of the week, your wife will beat you to the kitchen and you can safely retire to the garage for a few precious minutes.  If that doesn't work and she says you need to diversify the menu, buy a big jug of Bacon Bits.  Read the recipes on the back out loud.  That should strike fear in the heart of any woman.</div> <bR> <div> Is your air of incompetence working?  If so, apply it to the laundry.  Everybody knows the important rule of separating whites, light colors, and dark colors.  Dump the whites in the bottom of the washer, followed by the light colors, with the darks on top.  That way, when you are jumping up and down trying to cram in that last pair of jeans, the footprints won't show up.  All seriousness aside, that is not bad enough to get you out of laundry.  Nor is any wife stupid enough to let you anywhere near her favorite Angora sweater on laundry day.  However, you can wash your greasy shop rags with her favorite bra, the one that doesn't pinch.  Voila, you will never have to do laundry again.</div> <bR> <div> Doing the dishes is the only task I've never been able to shake.  It is pretty hard to mess up that one.  I've tried saying that the overflowing collection of unwashed dishes is actually Kitchen Art but that didn't go very far.  The best for which you can hope is to break down the dishwashing routine into separate tasks, with the appropriate time between stages.  Don't consider the process as simply transforming dirty dishes on the table into clean ones in the cupboards.  No, first there is the task of clearing the table.  A separate task can be to give the plates a preliminary rinse.  Don't forget the great ploy that dishes often need to soak.  This is a personal favorite.  If you ever get back to the process after that, dishes need to go into the dishwasher.  Even adding soap and starting the dishwasher can count as being helpful if all you did was add the last spoon that made the dishwasher full.  Advanced husbands can further break down the process if scrubbing the pots and pans is tackled separately from "Doing the dishes."  Unloading the dishwasher, of course, counts as a separate task too.  If you wait long enough, somebody else will get to it before you do.  See how that worked?  Instead of spending an hour washing and putting away everything, counting as only one display of being helpful,  you pushed a button or two and had a total in-kitchen time of less than a minute and came out looking even better.</div> <bR> <div> When women gather to talk, the subject of men and housework is always mentioned.  Your wife will complain how she couldn't find her favorite sweater for months because you "accidentally" put it away with the extra sheets in the linen closet.  All of the other wives will chime in how they wish their husbands would at least try to help.  In your wife's eyes, you will suddenly look better.  Avoid the other husbands for a while, as they will all be in trouble.  You can only hope your name wasn't mentioned.</div> <bR> <div> The possibilities are endless for appearing incompetent.  Experiment for yourself.  With only minor conditioning, your wife will be happy to have you out in the garage.  Similar tactics can also be applied at work.  Use caution, because in cases of excessive incompetence, your employer's only recourse may be to promote you.</div> <div>  <A NAME="theory_of_relativity"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></div> <div> Even if you're no good at being incompetent, which is a bit of a contradiction, all married men have a special time when they can sneak off to the garage and never get caught.  But first, think back to your high school career.  You had a cerebral overload while trying to comprehend a watered down version of the Theory of Relativity.  This slight problem, plus the fact that you never turned in any assignments, caused you to fail Physics class.  Next thing you knew, your Guidance Counselor was helping you fill out a job application for the local slaughterhouse.  If only you could have made sense of how an astronaut traveling at the speed of light would perceive time differently than a person on the face of earth.  You could have had an Ivy League scholarship and a career that didn't involve any labor or heavy thinking.  But your mind travels back to that conundrum, how can two people starting in the same place have different perceptions of time?  Only now, the answer is crystal clear.</div> <bR> <div> That's right, when you hear your wife's shower running, time stands still for her.  You have plenty of time before she comes out of the bathroom.  Yet when she emerges, only a few brief minutes have passed in her mind.  In the great ledger sheet of marriage, that hour in the garage hasn't cost you a thing.  In her mind, that hour never existed.  Use this untraceable free time to have some quality Jeep time out in the garage.   Experienced husbands know you can safely tackle that transmission rebuild with time to spare.  </div> <bR> <div> Install a massive hot water heater, like found in a hotel or hospital.  You don't want your wife running out of hot water and cutting her shower short.  Learn the noises the household plumbing makes, so you can tell when her shower is done.  Watch for the garage lights returning to full brightness, meaning she has shut off the hair dryer and has moved to the make-up phase.  Advanced husbands might want to rewire the hair dryer's heating element for lower output, allowing more time.  You can even further slow down time by rearranging the contents of her make-up kit and hiding strategic items in the wrong drawers.  Blame it on the kids.  </div> <bR> <div> The instant she emerges from the bathroom, you have just stepped into the kitchen to wash your hands.  If you prop open the dishwasher door, it looks like you were doing the dishes.  You will gain a plethora of <A HREF="id431.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="WillysPoints"><U>WillysPoints</U></A>, because you had the appearance of being helpful.  The overflowing dishes in the sink won't count against you.  In her mind, you only had a few brief moments to tackle them while she was in the shower.  You can avoid actually doing the dishes with a preplanned "spontaneous" suggestion that you go do something together.  </div> <bR> <div> Furthermore, you have created a quandary for your wife.  On one hand, she'd like you to help out more around the house.  Yet every woman wants her husband to willingly spend more time with her, mostly to carry boxes from the mall out to the car.  With your timely suggestion, you will catch your wife off guard while the two opposing possibilities tug at the core of her very existence.  In the ensuing confusion, you could safely bring home another Jeep.</div> <bR> <div> Good luck, and enjoy your newfound free time.</div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>